Stop and Stare
by Bluejay141519
Summary: Jay knew. He'd been that close to the edge before, he knew what it felt like. To die. I don't own Chicago PD or it's characters.
1. Chapter 1

**So, this is my first CPD fanfic and I'm sooooooooooooooo Excited! Hope you like!**

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><p><strong>Jay's P.O.V.<strong>

For the record, this is not how I wanted my day to go. I mean don't get me wrong, it's not like I want to get shot on any day,but as a cop you kinda know that its definitely a possibility. And today it was more of a certainty than a possibility. We knew that with that much fire power and that many people, somebody was going to get hurt. I just didn't expect it to be me. I don't think anybody from intelligence thought, of all people, I would get shot. I guess when you come back from a war without visible scars people get this idea that your invincible. Who knows. Anyway, you of course, must me wondering how I ended up with a pair of defibrillator paddles on my chest in the E.R. and not because my heart just decided to take a vacation day. Well...

My name is Jay Halstead and I work in the best unit with the best cops on Chicago. The Intelligence unit out of the 21st district handles cases that differ from the norm. Murder cases that has more than meets the eye, robbery to cover up a murder, assassinations of relatively normal people. You know, cases that have pieces missing from them. So when a ten year old girl with not even one remote connection to gangs gets killed with the signature of one of the largest gangs in the south side, naturally we were called in to investigate.

Turns out her dad wasn't the nicest person, suspect in multiple brutal murders, prostitution, drug possession, sexual abuse, you name it he was there but the investigating police could never pin him for it. The latter was how we found his second life. Apparently Jack Becket was suspected of raping his daughter. The case went cold with no evidence until his daughter, Alyssa Becket, agreed to testify. So Jack asked for a small favor from the leader of the Green Dragons and BAM! One dead daughter. One thing lead to another and suddenly we were gearing up to raid a ware house that supposedly was one of the Green Dragons main operating bases.

"Alright, Listen up!" Voight doing his normal mini-speech-thingy that he does before each big bust.

"We don't know what we could be walking into so stay tight, and watch out for each other." he pauses as though jsut catching the feeling that had been going through the unit all morning. Something was going to happen he just didn't know what.

"We all come home today." The unit stared at him. I think back now, and I don't think anybody believed him. We got in the cars and drove.

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><p><strong>The Bitter man Houses (Yes that is a major reference to blue bloods. I couldn't think of anything else to call the location)<strong>

A silent entry. All we had was the element of surprise and if they knew we were coming in we would be slaughtered. Me and Antonio Walked side-by-side done a hallway, Erin and Voight following with Alvin and Olinski behind them. The plan was to move Two-by-two until we hit a split into two hallways or a stair case, were we would go into two groups of three.

We never got that far.

Turns out the leader of the Green Dragons did a little remodeling because the hallway just got wider before opening in to a warehouse type room. A ware house with a lot of people and a lot of guns.

"CHICAGO PD DON'T MOVE!" Antonio yelled. Yeah. Like that would work.

"Oh shi-" was all I got before I had to dive out of the way to avoid getting my head blown off. The rest of the unit followed suit. I ended up sandwiched between Alvin and Dawson with Erin and Ruzek to my left. I honestly to this day have no idea where Voight ended up. Apparently neither does the rest of the unit.

"Cover me!" I yelled and, without waiting for confirmation, ran forward to the right and flipped a large metal table, spilling the half million dollars worth of coke onto the floor. I then covered the rest of my team while they moved up to the better vantage point behind to the table. Talk about Chaos. Erin radioed for back up while we started taking down perps.

But they weren't going down. At least not fast enough. There had good cover making us fire five or six shots before we would get a hit. All of us had already changed clips and I was running low.

"We're not going to survive another five minutes in this!" I yell at Olinski, who stands up and fires a couple shots.

"I know we need to-"

WHAM!

With a grunt I fell flat on my back, slamming my head against the ground, the breathe driven out of me.

Time seemed to slow down. The gunfire and shouts of the shootout dimmed to a dull roar.

All I could here was my own breathing._ In and out. In and out. It's okay, you were hit in the vest. Just relax. Breathe. _Something was off, though. I've been hit in the vest before, and the pain was immediate. Right now, however, I was strangely numb. Like I was going into shock.

Wait...

Shit.

Groaning, I move my hand up to my shoulder, and feel something slippery covering my shirt and vest. Struggling to move I role over onto my hands and knees, but slid back to my original position as I put wait on my shoulder. And there's the pain I had been so desperately craving, nice of you to show up, next time could you please not run me over with a Mac truck when you arrive? Thanks.

"Oh god" I gasp out. I'm in trouble. I can feel my breathing become shallower and the effort to stay awake increases. I cough. A coppery substance fills my mouth. Blood. My blood. Although the painless darkness of unconsciousness started took pretty good right now.

Someone grabs me and drags me back to cover.

"-gotta stay with me ok?" says- What's his name? Antonio. Antonio Dawson. Intelligence. Right. He puts pressure on my wound.

Dark spots dance across my vision. Groaning I try to move away from the pain, but all I can manage is to turn my head to the left. I stare at Erin as she radios for EMS. EMS? Shouldn't she have called for that by now? How long was I down? It felt like an eternity. But no, Ruzek and Olinski are still firing which means I couldn't have been shot more than 2 minutes ago if they still have amo. Unless...

The thought trails off. God, I'm tired. Maybe I can just sleep...

"JAY! WAKE UP!" Gasping, my eyes snap open as pain crawls across my cheek. Did he just slap me?! Ohhhhhhh, so that's how its gonna be huh? Well Antonio next time your really exhausted I'm going to sit next to yo with a blow horn.

"Jay, come on man, you can't do this to us." he begging now. Why? I opened my eyes isn't that enough? Unless he's for some reason talking about my chest. It's getting really hard to breathe.

_In and out. In and out. In..._

The last of my strength left me, and I let the darkness take me.

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><p><strong>So what did you think? This was originally a one shot but I thought it would be to long so it might end up having two or three chapters.<strong>

**For any of those reading betrayed I am so terribly sorry about the wicked wait for the next chapter. I lost my note book containing it and the three chapters after. SO I will (hopefully) update soon and if not expect two chapters over thanksgiving.**

**Oh, And please, please, PLEASE Review!**

**Thanks**

**~TheBlueJay~**


	2. Chapter 2

**See the end for my A/N. Cookies Monster thanks you for reading it.**

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><p><strong>Jay: That didn't happen.<strong>

**Antonio:Yeah, It did.**

**Jay: Well, I don't remember it.**

**Antonio: Exactly! That's why I should tell it.**

**Jay: Fine! Tell your dramatic version.**

**Antonio: You mean the truth.**

**Jay: Whatever...**

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><p>Antonio's P.O.V.<p>

The shot that was heard round the world, did not happen at the start of the revolutionary war. No, it happened about 4 hours ago in a raid that went WAY bad. Like you know how in TV shows somebody gets hit and the sound suddenly becomes distorted and muted, everything's in slow motion, and you watch said character fall lifelessly to the ground? Well, I promise you, its exaggerated for ratings.

And its a lot scarier when your in that scenario. And its _your _friend who falls dramatically to the ground.

More like terrifying.

I had run. Didn't even bother asking for cover, I just sprinted over to a fallen member of intelligence. My friend.

_My friend. Ha. If you were his friend you would've covered him._

Just another guilty thought that my brain had spawned in the last 3 hours and 53 minutes that I have been sitting in this goddamn hospital waiting room. Along with the rest of intelligence. All in various states of grief and anxiety.

Voight is trying to wear a trench in the floor with all his pacing. Ruzek and Olinski are sitting next to each other in the exact same position with the exact same facial expression-one of guilt. Atwater is doing a fantastic impersonation of the thinking man. And Erin can't sit still. She has probably walked around half the hospital 70 times because she can't stay in the waiting room for more than five minutes.

No. Seriously. I think she just set a new record with 6 minutes and 24 seconds.

How do I know that? Well, ever since I planted myself a seat with a clear view to the rest of the room, I have memorized every detail of the clock on the wall. Including how many times the minute hand has passed 12 while in the presence of Erin Lindsay. Whose partner was shot, ironically in the same shoulder that got him into Intelligence.

_Yeah. But you got him in here. If he never was brought up he never would have been shot and you never would have had to watch him die._

Yes. Die. Jay Halstead was dead for over 3 minutes in the ambulance. They got him back, only for his heart to stop again once they got him into trauma.

*Flashback*

_"JAY!"_

_I scuttle over to his position. He was on his hands and knees, but had quickly slipped onto his side. Something gurgles in his chest and he coughs out blood._

_I latch onto the back on his vest and drag him to cover. His eyelids droop._

_"Hey! Jay listen you gotta stay with me ok? Your're gonna be ok just stay here!"_

_I turn my attention to Lindsay, who apparently hadn't noticed that Jay was not hit in the vest and was in fact, dying._

_"ERIN! WE NEED EMS, NOW!"_

_Her eyes widen in shock before ducking down behind the table, fumbling with her radio and calling for help._

_"Your gonna be fine,Jay, alright...Jay?" No. Nonononono. Damn it Halstead you are not doing this right now. Lindsay will kick my ass if you die. _

_I repeat his. Shake his shoulders. Nothing._

_Screw it._

_I scream at him to open his eyes and slap his face as hard as I can. He gasps awake but not for long. I can see how much effort it takes just to keep his eyes open. He will not last long. _

_"Jay, c'mon man, you can't do this to us. To the team! Please Jay you have to fight it! Halstead!" _

_He smirks at me. That typical-JayHalstead-shiteating-grin that describes his personality perfectly._

_"It's ok." He whispers. _

_"It doesn't hurt anymore."_

_*End Flashback*_

He had promptly stopped breathing. The ambulance came. The entire team helped move him. Apparently at some point they had taken out the rest of the bad guys. They are all dead. Voight appeared out of nowhere holding a flash drive and the group's bookie. I guess the guy spilled because he is still alive. Honestly when Sarge found out what happened I was surprised he didn't just shoot the guy. Just because he looked like he REALLY wanted to but a bullet in somebody.

I went with the ambulance. Get him back. He's crashing. We're losing him. Repeat.

4 hours and 15 minutes ago. 31 seconds. 32. 33...

Somewhere half past I lost my mind a doctor came in. He talks to Voight. He nods looking lost. We all stand when he rejoins us.

"Tell me he's not dead." This is Erin. It's not a request, its a command. One that the rest of Intelligence wants him to comply with. Hank's eyes meet mine. He knows what I know. How bad this is.

"He's alive." There's a collective sigh of relief.

"The bullet hit an artery then bounced around, hitting a lung before lodging in his back. Believe it or not we're lucky that they (bad guys) were using hard core amo. If they had been shooting hollow-point, Jay would be in the morgue right now. As of right now, he's not quick out of danger. The surgery went well, but there is a pretty high risk for infection. The doctor, however said he is optimistic."

"Can we see him?" I question.

"Yeah. But only two at a time; he's in ICU. Room 124."

"Good." Erin cuts off my reply. She grabs her jacket and nods to me. She takes off down the hall. I glance at Olinski before following.

"Good?" I ask, finally catching up to her.

"Yes. Good. This is very good." She's talking in this soft, monotone voice that makes me feel like she is very close to breaking down.

"Erin? Um, how is any of this good?"

She smiles. A on of those smiles that made Halstead fall in love with her. (Oh, come on. Everyone know except for those two.)*

"It's good because visiting hours end in about 45 minutes. Which means I have _plenty_ of time to kick his ass for being shot."

I smile back.

Some things will never change.

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><p><strong>Oh wow. That was interesting. Sorry if Antonio seemed a little off it was hard for me to write as him. Hence three (3?) month break between chapters. <strong>

**I just wanna mention that this chapter was writen solely for Bubbly88Tay. (HAHAHA RIGHT BACK ATCHA!) She made a deal with me that resulted in both our stories being up dated. And such deal will continue. So for all you betrayed peps out there, thank her. She is the reason said story was updated. She's a really awesome and talented person and you would love her stories. So check her out.**

***I had to. I had to add some linstead in there. Especially now that its cannon. I mean, how about that epi last night?**

**REVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREVIEW**

**Please?**


	3. Chapter 3

**So this story was **_**completed**_ **a long, long time ago. Over a year actually. (I think?) And I ended it where I did because I had no idea where to go with it and it was originally a one shot anyway.**

**However.**

**Due to the mass number of reviews I got solely asking for another chapter I have decided to give you one. And **_**only one.**_

**You hear me? This. Is. The. Last. One. No more will follow. Ever. **

**Also this is more of an epilogue, because once again I have no interest in making this a full blown story, as I really kind of hate it. So. I'd say a 'thank you' to Mikky96 because that's the person whose review was the tipping point in my decision. **

**That all said: Enjoy this. **

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><p><strong>Antonio's P.O.V.<strong>

Some say change is constant, a slow steady rate that continues on its own path despite what you do to stop it. Others say change comes in small explosive bursts and they completely change the course of reality around you. Either way, both can agree that change, large or small, starts from somewhere. Most commonly, we can't even see where it begins until long after the change has occurred. And if you really try hard enough, you can trace that start all the way down to one.

Tiny.

Spark.

Some members of intelligence might say it was when Jules died or when Erin left for the FBI or maybe even the moment Jay was shot. But I think it was the first time halstead walked into intelligence. No one really knew him, no one really cared to know him. Intelligence was still trying to figure out how the unit was going to work. I don't think anyone was hostile to him, but none of us were exactly welcoming either.

When pltt brought him up, he wore his signature black jacket over his black hoodie. He had his hands shoved in his pockets and had eyes wider than dinner plates as they gazed around the room taking in every detail with one glance. In other words he looked extremely shy and scared as fuck. Well, as scared as Jay could look. Which was more like mildly concerned on anyone else.

However that wasn't what really clued me in. It was the feeling, I guess if you could call it that. There was just something there. Something about him, that made everybody lift their heads a little higher and watch him with a little more interest than normal. He gave a small smile, said hi, then followed Voight into his office to get the rundown on the unit.

No on ducked back into their paperwork, but no one talked either. And when he walked back out and Erin took him on a ride along to meet a C.I. and to 'get to know each other' everyone watched for some reason. We could tell. His literal presence threw us off. I could barely concentrate afterwards.

Of course that changed, as with time it normally does, but I'd like to say most of us remembered that feeling. I know Jules did. We had a pretty interesting conversation a couple of weeks after Jay saved her ass in a raid. We sat in our car and just breathed for a moment before she talked.

"_I don't trust him."_

_"What?" _I had asked.

_"I don't. I know he's a good cop, he's proved that much. But there's just something about him...he's hidden. I can't read him."_

_"Okaaaaaaay...you said that about me when we first met."_

_"Yeah, but this kid's different. He has secrets. A past. He's dangerous, Tony. He is."_

I didn't know how to respond to that. So I didn't, instead I opted to start the car and we headed back to the district. It wasn't the last time we talked about him, but it was the first and it stuck in my head for a long time. It was one of the many things reviewed in my head while I sat in that waiting room, the day the rate of change, well, _changed_.

It speed up by a considerably high rate.

Jay stayed on a ventilator for almost three days after his surgery, although he almost didn't make it through his first night. I happened to be in the room way past visiting hours. The nurses at Med liked us. Said we could stay so long as we stayed quiet and out of the way. It was just about midnight, but I certainly wasn't sleeping when his heart decided to stop beating. In fact I was the one screaming for help and the one calling the team back to the hospital as Halstead went in for his second life saving surgery. The one desperately thinking about how I couldn't go through this again, I can't mourn a friend died just like Jules. Bleeding out. Underneath my hands.

He didn't die though. The bastard just decided to take five years off my life.

Halstead regained consciousness, precisely four days after being shot. He woke to a sleep deprived Erin who, after seeing his eyes for the first time in way too long, promptly leaned forward and kissed him. Right in front of Voight. Which was huge change number one. Voight saying absolutely _nothing _was huge change number two. He didn't even look surprised.

Two and a half months later they were still going strong and they both seemed happier. Albeit Jay was peeved when he came back and suddenly I was his partner, Erin pared with a newly initiated Burgess. He got over it pretty quickly though. I let him drive.

It's been over a year since we raided the bitterman warehouses. over two since Jay walked up those steps to intelligence and made that spark that set off an inferno of life-altering change.

It's also been about four months since Erin Lindsay agreed to marry Jay Halstead in front of the entire Molly's crowd, including Firehouse Fifty One and the people from Chicago Med, all of whom are scattered across the packed theater of which the two partners stand at the head of. The ceremony is short and simple, making the crowd wait no longer than ten minutes before Erin officially becomes Erin Lindsay Halstead and Jay becomes a married man. Lindsay turns and chucks the bouquet into a small group of bridesmaids and my sister surprises everyone with a flying leap to catch it right before it was to land in Platt's hands.

The look on Casey's face was priceless.

The reception was huge, lasting far into the night, all the alcohol provided by Molly's. Erin made sure Jay stayed coherent, although after hosting his bachelor party, it became abundantly clear that it takes a _lot_ of alcohol to get Halstead was a DJ playing all types of music and as it turns out, Olinski and Jay are really, really good dancers.

Ruzek and I? Not so much.

Voight gave a short, but surprisingly deep speech to the newlywed couple, before it seemed just about everyone else did too. Al, Ruzek, Will, Platt, hell even Chief Boden said a few words.

Ironically enough, when they both promised Voight (and each other) that their relationship wouldn't get in the way of work, apparently that included their honeymoon. The commander had to basically force them to take a couple days off, so they agreed...and set the date for a friday, so they would be back by Wednesday of the next week. That way they would take "less than half a week off."

I know, I know. They had the absolute worst luck in the months leading up the wedding, god forbid they actually take a normal honeymoon. Pretty sure all of us lost the bet against Hank, who said they would take the shortest vacation possible because they hate relaxing. Although I wouldn't really call it relaxing. Tomorrow Jay will take his ski's and Erin her board and they're catching a flight to Colorado to carve up the steepest mountain in the state.

I was happy for them. For us. I really was. It was something good in a long streak of bad, but by the middle of the night it was like I had taken it all in and finally grasped the situation. I stepped back and looked at the repercussions for this and suddenly, it didn't feel like a good thing anymore. I don't know what scared me more. The fact that I might be right, or the fact that we, as a team have had so much pain and tragedy that to see something as happy as this marriage was a terrifying notion, because it meant the calm before a very big storm. But it was Halstead's and Lindsay's day and I didn't want to ruin it by saying anything, so I didn't. I just smiled when need be and tried to melt into the background as best as possible.

It doesn't work.

He catches me toward the the second half of the party, if one could discern two parts. I was standing on the balcony outside the reception house, hoping the cool air would clear my head.

"They're beautiful right?" His voice startles me, almost making me drop my drink.

"Huh?" He nods to the dark sky.

"The stars."

"Oh. Yeah." Halstead walks forward slowly, stopping to stand beside me.

"Shouldn't you be dancing or something?" I ask gesturing toward the pulsing music behind me. He shrugs.

"I already did. I just thought it interesting that my best man had _absolutely nothing _to say to his newly married best friends."

"I did-" Jay cuts me off with a glare.

"You didn't give a speech. You hardly talked through dinner and the second you could escape to the bar you did, never to return anywhere near me or Erin. " He stares at me seriously.

"You wanna tell me what's going on? Or do I have to get you drunk first?" I don't answer right away and unfortunately (but understandably), he assumes the worst.

"Did you not want this to happen? Did you not want us to get married?"

"No! God no! Man, of course I wanted this to happen. You two deserve it."

"Then what's wrong?!" I swallow a gulp of beer, forcing it past the lump in my throat as I steel myself to talk.

"Four hundred fourty six."

"What?"

"One year, two months, three weeks, four days."

"Uh-"

"That's the exact amount of time that has passed since you decided to die on a hospital bed infront of me."

"Tony-" He sighs, but I'm not finished.

"No. No you were dead after being shot in the _heart_ on a raid where I was supposed to have your back and I didn't. I saw what that did to Erin and that was _before_ you were even dating!"

Calming slightly, I put my empty bottle on a table.

"I'm just...I don't know. Shaken, I guess. When you guys sealed the deal up on that altar, I realized how much more risky things got for you. And if you guys decide to have kids-"

"Woah, woah. Dawson, slow down. You did this too, you know. Not to bring up bad blood but you were married, had two kids and still did your job just fine."

"Yeah and I put laura and diego through hell because of it. It isn't just you doing your job, it's what the job can do to you. What happens if you or Erin get hurt badly because of us? What would happen to your kid-"

"Antonio." He puts a hand on my shoulder, halting my rant.

"That's not going to happen. We trust you guys just as we know you trust us. I know you'll always have my back, Erin's too. When I got shot...there was nothing you could have done to stop that, unless you have some really cool super powers I don't know about."

"No."

"Didn't think so." A spurt of loud laughter filters towards us from the dining/dance room. I nod to him.

"You should get back in there.

"_We."_ I flash a grin, semi-consoled by his words, but trying to make an effort to believe them.

"We." I repeat. Jay isn't done however even as we walk back into the brightly lit, stuffy dance floor.

"You're still gonna dance with Ruzek." I laugh as the absurd comment, remembering Adam's promise during his speech. We fully re-enter the party and I let myself, for the first time that night, soak in the pure euphoria and joy that is coveted by every person there. I spot Ruzek in the middle of the dance floor just as the music changes to some Black Eyed Peas song. I grab the scotch from Jay's hand and down the rest of it, thinking about how I'm gonna need it to forget how I'm about to horribly embarrass myself. I slap the glass back into his hand.

"Deal."

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><p><strong>So this was unbeta'd. Sorry that it sucks but I had to write it before I lost all motivation. Any reviews would be greatly appreciated.<strong>


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